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Typically I'm a Insanity Max:30 kinda girl, but my workout today was Hammer Agility... And I gotta say I love this program! It's a mixture of old school and new school moves that tend to bring back so many memories of when I first learned to lift at the age of 13.
One thing is for certain - I've come a long way since then. That naieve young girl who truly believed she was invincible learned the hard way she was ENTIRELY BREAKABLE after that first spinal fusion... And admittedly I remained broken by choice for a long time... Too long really.
I remembered the pain I endured and the doctor visits that started when I was about 12 or 13.
I remembered wearing flip flops to go to college classes despite it being the middle of December and the streets being slush-filled with snow and ice, all because I couldn't bend to get a shoe on with out fiery pain shooting through the nerves in my legs.
I remembered feeling terrified when I finally conceded that I couldn't put off the surgery any longer.
I remembered waking up in a fog and just *knowing* everything went to hell.
I remembered the week spent bedridden in the hospital, hooked up to IV's and morphine.
I remembered the difficulty in just getting out of bed each morning, especially when I nearly blacked out on the first attempt.
I remembered the long road of recovery I was going to endure.
I remembered the horrific withdrawal symptoms from not only the morphine, but also the Oxycontin I was prescribed to manage my pain.
I remember making the decision to quit the meds cold turkey because trying to wean myself off them only prolonged and exacerbated the sickness, and let's be honest by that point, pain was the lesser of the two evils.
I remember wanting to die because I had enough and didn't know how much more I could take.
I remembered wearing flip flops to go to college classes despite it being the middle of December and the streets being slush-filled with snow and ice, all because I couldn't bend to get a shoe on with out fiery pain shooting through the nerves in my legs.
I remembered feeling terrified when I finally conceded that I couldn't put off the surgery any longer.
I remembered waking up in a fog and just *knowing* everything went to hell.
I remembered the week spent bedridden in the hospital, hooked up to IV's and morphine.
I remembered the difficulty in just getting out of bed each morning, especially when I nearly blacked out on the first attempt.
I remembered the long road of recovery I was going to endure.
I remembered the horrific withdrawal symptoms from not only the morphine, but also the Oxycontin I was prescribed to manage my pain.
I remember making the decision to quit the meds cold turkey because trying to wean myself off them only prolonged and exacerbated the sickness, and let's be honest by that point, pain was the lesser of the two evils.
I remember wanting to die because I had enough and didn't know how much more I could take.
Might sound melodramatic, but as a 20 year old, life was NOT supposed to be spent suffering like that.
At 21 a second fusion fixed it all for good... but I still REMEMBERED... and I was ridiculously SCARED of that pain. So I thought if I lived a fragile life I'd have an easier existence...
It may have taken me years longer than it should have, but I will forever be thankful that I eventually realized just how wrong I was. By living in such a way I was merely existing - I wasn't LIVING. I didn't enjoy life the way I should have... could have. I lived in a damn bubble because I was afraid of getting hurt again.
I could be mad at myself for not learning quickly enough, but everything happens for a reason and some of the best lessons I've learned have come as a result of staying broken for too long.
Yes, I'm breakable, however, I KNOW I'm capable of putting myself back together STRONGER than before. Those cracks from the break make the foundation to build yourself up higher than you ever thought possible!
I'm capable of learning from my mistakes and figuring out a better way to do things going forward. The only thing that can hold me back... is ME.
And most importantly, I'm a better person for having made mistakes than not having made any at all.
I've learned to see the world from many perspectives.
I've learned not to judge too quickly.
Honestly, some of my most important lessons have been learned through pain - but that doesn't mean you have to endure in that pain. You can rise up and become stronger than you ever thought possible.
I've learned not to judge too quickly.
Honestly, some of my most important lessons have been learned through pain - but that doesn't mean you have to endure in that pain. You can rise up and become stronger than you ever thought possible.
My health has become a priority when once I was afraid of exercising, afraid of doing anything that might damage my precious titanium that is keeping my spine in place. I'm so glad I finally made this decision because now I feel a thousand times better for it - both physically and emotionally.
I'm no longer a shell that tiptoes through life. I am ME once more and no one, not even me, will take that away ever again!
And even better, my children have regained their mother - a woman confident in herself and the things she's capable of doing - probably the best gift I could have ever given them.
I never imagined life could change so much simply by making the decision to stop standing in my own way and instead start taking better care of myself because I'm worth it.
YOU'RE worth it too! Are you ready to take that first step and commit to yourself and your health?? Don't stand in your own way like I did! Send me a message, or click here to join my next accountability group if you want help getting started.
